I feel like the scientist at the beginning of a disaster movie who’s just discovered that something profoundly dangerous is free sex videos officehurtling towards all of us.

That’s because I got to try the new line of Hard Mountain Dew drinks, courtesy of PepsiCo and Boston Beer Company. Yes, they made alcoholic Mountain Dew, just as the prophecies foretold. There's no more need to mix the Dew into a cocktail (I have actually done this) because now it’s been done for you by professionals and packaged into either 12 oz. or 24 oz. cans. 

Right now, Hard Mountain Dew is only on sale in three states which I’m calling “The Dew Triumvirate”: Tennessee, Florida, and Iowa. I will not question why those specific states were selected to welcome such a beverage with open arms. It doesn’t matter. The folks who make this stuff sent a sample package my way and I excitedly went down the rabbit hole with my roommates, like courageous beverage explorers.

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For a very specific type of dirtbag (me), Hard Mountain Dew is going to be a test of will at any party where someone brings a case. This could be a battle for the soul of mankind.

The flavors

Gorgeous. Credit: PepsiCo/Boston Beer Company

I don’t envy the people who had to choose which Mountain Dew flavors to deliciously corrupt with the devil’s nectar for the initial rollout of Hard Mountain Dew. There are so many to choose from, so many that people of certain ages have emotional fondness for. In my adolescence, the cherry-flavored Code Red was the holy grail, the one flavor you looked for at every convenience store. For someone of a different era, they might feel totally differently.

Here’s what the Dew-givers went with for the launch:

• Regular (green)

• Baja Blast

• Watermelon

• Black Cherry

Sure, that’s a decent enough cross-section of flavors. Default green Dew is guaranteed a roster spot no matter what; black cherry is very “in” these days thanks to seltzer (both hard and otherwise); and watermelon is a classic variant of any treat. 

It would have been downright criminal not to include the tropical lime-tinged Baja Blast. The formerly Taco Bell-exclusive flavor is one of those things you just have to include in your order when you’ve retreated deep enough into the darkness of your soul to get Taco Bell. The only real criticism I have of the initial flavor lineup is a lack of Code Red, mostly because as I get older I have to grapple with my own mortality and hold onto as much of my youth as I can. I also think it tastes good.

Pursuant to that thought, tasting good is both the best and worst thing about Hard Mountain Dew.

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They did it. They really did it.

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Let’s just get it out in the open right now: You cannot tell there is alcohol in any of these drinks. Sure, 5% alcohol by volume (ABV) isn’t a hugeamount, but it’s the same ABV you’d find in White Claw. Where those hard seltzer drinks have a bit of a “Oh dang, there’s booze in this!” kick at the end of a swig, Hard Mountain Dew holds strong. 

In other words, it just tastes like Mountain Dew, but it’ll get you drunk if you let it. I taste-tested all four flavors with my two roommates, all of us pouring samples into small glasses, and by the end of that process I was feeling buzzed. That was without actually drinking a full 12 oz. can. I mighthave taken a sick day afterward if they had sent 24 oz. cans instead.

The default flavor maintains the vaguely citrus-y vibe it’s always had, so mission accomplished on that front. Watermelon tastes like, well, pretty much any other watermelon-flavored soft drink I’ve ever had. The closest thing to a disappointment is black cherry, which tasted closer to a typical red cherry flavor without going all the way into Code Red territory. I’m a fan of black cherry seltzers because they usually pack a bite on the back-end that you don’t get with regular cherry. It didn’t taste bad — I’d drink it again if I had to, but I felt a little deceived by the branding.

But Baja Blast is the real highlight here because it’s the star of the whole damn Mountain Dew show. Whatever dark sorcery (read: chemicals) they’re using to produce that tangy tropical lime flavor shines through with hard Baja Blast. I don’t actually drink very much anymore, but I could see myself downing four of these bad boys in like an hour if I were in the mood. It’s both thrilling and perilous.

This must be what the guy who discovered fire felt like. It’s possible we weren’t meant to harness such sheer power in the form of a beverage. 

Oh, and all four flavors are colored like they should be when poured into a glass. That battery acid green we all know and love is here with the regular flavor, while Baja Blast comes in teal. Watermelon and black cherry are different shades of red. Sure, they might look a little unsightly outside of the can, and it’ll definitely remind you that you’re consuming lots of mysterious chemicals, but who cares?

Finally, I’m not going to act like alcoholic freaking Mountain Dewis healthy in any way. Anyone interested in wellness should probably avoid these drinks at all costs. But they aresugar- and caffeine-free. Drink too many and it’ll probably be a regular hangover (still terrible) and not one of those awful sugar hangovers anyone who’s ever imbibed Four Loko has experienced. 

God help us all

The Hard Mountain Dew cans were shipped to me like precious gemstones. Credit: Alex Perry / Mashable

At some point, Hard Mountain Dew will probably be available in more than just three states as limiting business to “The Dew Triumvirate” would be a bad way to make money. When that happens, well, there’s a reason they say God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.

These drinks are, quite frankly, delicious. It’s messed up. This shouldn’t be allowed. Alcoholic beverages should taste like they have alcohol in them as a safety measure. They should be just a tinybit unpleasant so you don’t have too many at once.

Hard Mountain Dew is not interested in our puny, unwritten human rules, though. Never has a beverage embodied the “here for a good time, not a long time” mindset quite like this. It’s going to be so easy to down a bunch of these in a row, especially for people who like the taste of soda more than the taste of beer. I dolike beer and I haven’t had a real Mountain Dew in what feels like forever, and I stillfelt the pull after sampling Hard Mountain Dew.

My advice to anyone who can get their hands on Hard Mountain Dew: Go for the Baja Blast and get all of this out of your system before you turn 30. The day after gets a lot tougher after that.